What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
