I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
