if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
