I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
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We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
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She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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