she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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