I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Non-Jews are for practice
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
