I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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