I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
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At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
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Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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