Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
