peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
