A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
