She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I could fuck to npr.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
