My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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