look no pants
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
