I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
