I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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