So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
