I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
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I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
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Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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