she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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