god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
pop tarts are not kleenex
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
