I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
