Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
