Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
