i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i just had sex bonerless
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
