Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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