I could make wine with my vomit
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
