break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
