why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
