It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
