I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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