How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Hippo gnu deer
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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