I'm lost and stupid without you.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
