It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
