If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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