i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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