I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
