Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
