Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
