I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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