ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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