I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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