TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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