Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
