I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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