Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
