Jerry, you need to find god
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
