thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
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Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
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I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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