It was confusing and full of hummus
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
