I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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