Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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