the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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