Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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