he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
