My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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