I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
