There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
